This ring no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mothers to grab it themselves
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The power almighty rests in this lone ring.
The power, alrighty, for doing your own thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found , send to Sorhed ( the postage is prepaid)

'Goodbye, Dildo,' Frito said, stifling a sob. 'I wish you were comingwith us.'

'Ah, yes. But I'm too old for that sort of thing now,' said the old boggie, feigning a state of total quadriplegia. 'Anyway, I have a few
small gifts for you,' and he produced a lumpy parcel, which Frito opened somewhat unenthusiastically in view of Dildo's previous
going-away present [the ring]. But the package only contained a short, Revereware sword, a bulletproof vest full of moth holes, and several well-thumbed novellas with titles like Elf Lust and Goblin Girl..."

"Touch me!, Oh touch me!!!"
Frito's hand reached out and traced the delicate swelling of her elf-breast while the other slowly crept around her tiny flawless waist, crushing her to his barrel chest.

(From the intro, describing a scene that doesn't exist.)

"'Then we must head east,' said Goodgulf gesturing with his wand to where the sun was setting redly in a mass of sea-clouds."

All from Bored of the Rings

The Periodic Table of Haiku

I am not going to touch "The Poo Song" at Studio8.net -- We Beat the Pants Off Other Comedy Sites and Then Wear Those Pants.

Listen here if you want.

Optimism is
a learned virtue, rain passes,
fresher flowers grow.

me

Artist: Tenacious D feat. Wyclef Jean
Song: I'm The Only Gay Eskimo
Rated: 9.6 (71 votes)

Also listed under
Artist: Corky And The Juice Pigs
Song: Eskimo
Rated: 8.8 (12 votes)

I'm the only gay eskimo
I'm the only one I know
I'm the only gay eskimo In my tribe.

I go out seal hunting with my best friend Tarka,
but all I want to do is get into his parka.
I'm the only gay eskimo in my tribe.

Well, me and Nukflukchukbuk, we both like blubber,
but me I've got this crazy fetish for rubber.
I'm the only gay eskimo in my tribe.

I make a wish on the Northern Lights
that I can find a decent pair of whaleskin tights.
I'm the only gay eskimo in my tribe.
And the seals they sing now (seal sounds)

These cold winter nights are taking their toll,
I even get excited when I see the North Pole
See the North Pole.

I'm the only gay eskimo (only gay eskimo)
I'm the only one I know (I'm the only one I know)
I'm the only gay Eskimo in my tribe.

----- optional -----

Now like the Proclaimers would sing it
I'm the only gay eskimo
I'm the only one I know
I'm the only gay eskimo In my tribe.

Like Bob Dylan
I'm the only gay eskimo
I'm the only one I know
I'm the only gay eskimo.

Like Rick Ocasek from The Cars
I'm the only gay eskimo
I'm the only one I know
I'm the only gay eskimo and she used to be mine.

Like Oasis
I'm the only gay eskimo

Like Van Morrison
I'm the only gay eskimo
Well you see me coming around the street I'm a turning... uh
And Jesus Christ fits in there somehow as well.
And the crack was good.

I'm the only gay eskimo (only gay eskimo)
I'm the only one I know (I'm the only one I know)
I'm the only gay eskimo in my tribe.

THE GRINCH REVISITED
(with thanks to Dr. Seuss)

©2002 Doug Goodkin

The Whos down in Whoville liked this country a lot,
But the Grinch in the White House most certainly did not.
He didn't arrive there by the will of the Whos,
But stole the election that he really did lose.
Vowed to "rule from the middle," then installed his regime.
(Did this really happen or is it just a bad dream?)
He didn't listen to voters, just his friends he was pleasin'
Now, please don't ask why, no one quite knows the reason.
It could be his heart wasn't working just right.
It could be, perhaps, that he wasn't too bright.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
Is that both brain and heart were two sizes too small.
In times of great turmoil, this was bad news,
To have a government that ignores its Whos.

But the Whos shrugged their shoulders, went on with their work,
Their duties as citizens so casually did shirk.
They shopped at the mall and watched their T.V.
They drove their gas guzzling big S.U.V.
Oblivious to what was going on in D.C.
Ignoring the threats to democracy.
They read the same papers that ran the same leads,
Reporting what only served corporate needs.
(For the policies affecting the lives of all nations
Were made by the giant U.S. Corporations.)
Big business grew fatter, fed by its own greed,
And by people who shopped for the things they didn't need.

But amidst all the apathy came signs of unrest,
The Whos came to see we were fouling our nest.
And the people who cared for the ideals of this nation
Began to discuss and exchange information.
The things they couldn't read in the corporate-owned news
Of FTAA meetings and CIA coups.
Of drilling for oil and restricting rights.
They published some books, created Websites
Began to write letters and use their e-mail
(Though Homeland Security might send them to jail!)

What began as a whisper soon grew to a roar,
These things going on they could no longer ignore.
They started to rise up and fight City Hall
Let their voices be heard, they rose to the call,
To vote, to petition, to gather, dissent,
To question the policies of the "President."

As greed gained in power and power knew no shame
The Whos came together, sang "Not in our name!"
One by one from their sleep and their slumber they woke
The old and the young, all kinds of folk,
The black, brown and white, the gay, bi- and straight,
All united to sing, "Feed our hope, not our hate!
Stop stockpiling weapons and aiming for war!
Stop feeding the rich, start feeding the poor!
Stop storming the deserts to fuel SUV's!
Stop telling us lies on the mainstream T.V.'s!
Stop treating our children as a market to sack!
Stop feeding them Barney, Barbie and Big Mac!
Stop trying to addict them to lifelong consuming,
In a time when severe global warming is looming!
Stop sanctions that are killing the kids in Iraq!
Start dealing with ours that are strung out on crack!"

A mighty sound started to rise and to grow,
"The old way of thinking simply must go!
Enough of God versus Allah, Muslim vs. Jew
With what lies ahead, it simply won't do.
No American dream that cares only for wealth
Ignoring the need for community health.
The rivers and forests are demanding their pay,
If we're to survive, we must walk a new way.
No more excessive and mindless consumption
Let's sharpen our minds and garner our gumption.
For the ideas are simple, but the practice is hard,
And not to be won by a poem on a card.
It needs the ideas and the acts of each Who,
So let's get together and plan what to do!"

And so they all gathered from all 'round the Earth
And from it all came a miraculous birth.
The hearts and the minds of the Whos they did grow
Three sizes to fit what they felt and they know.
While the Grinches they shrank from their hate and their greed,
Bearing the weight of their every foul deed.

From that day onward the standard of wealth,
Was whatever fed the Whos' spiritual health.
They gathered together to revel and feast,
And thanked all who worked to conquer their beast.
For although our story pits Grinches 'gainst Whos,
The true battle lies in what we daily choose.
For inside each Grinch is a tiny small Who,
And inside each Who is a tiny Grinch too.
One thrives on love and one thrives on greed.
Who will win out? It depends who you feed!



Circulating - some with slightly different verses and titles, often listed as anonymous.